Chicken Parm Bake

This is an awesome and actually healthy recipe.  It’s really, really good and easy to make low-sodium as well.  I can’t eat it too often or my arteries will get lazy.

• 2 large frozen, boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into smaller thin pieces  (usually 5 – 6)
• sea salt and black pepper
• Italian (or Greek) Seasoning
• 5 fresh tomatoes, chopped
• 1 small can tomato sauce or enough jar sauce to make enough to taste
• fresh mushrooms
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1/3 cup ground sesame seeds
• 1/3 cup ground hemp seeds
• 1/4 cup grated parm
• 2-3 Tbs grape seed or olive oil
• fresh mozzarella sliced in thin rounds (optional)

1. Mix tomatoes, Italian seasoning, salt and pepper to taste, sauce (if using), adjust to desired taste and let set.
2. Mix seeds and 1/4 cup parm in a large bowl or zip lock (if too moist, add onion & garlic powder) add little ground sea salt if desired
3. Wash chicken cutlets
4. Season with salt and pepper to taste
5. Dust heavily with onion powder and to a lessor extent, garlic powder (replacing flour)
6. Heat oil in skillet
7. Dredge in egg, drip off excess
8. Press chicken into seed mixture so it sticks..
9. Brown about 2 minutes on each side.. careful not to burn the seeds!
10. Add sauce to 13×9 dish..with mushrooms if using
11. Lay browned chicken on top
12. Place a mozzarella round on each piece of chicken OR sprinkle with parm.. or both, whatever..

Bake 400 for 20-25 min.. watch to make sure seeds don’t burn.

Makes about 6 servings

Smack My Bitch Up Pie

I am going to share this recipe I found years ago.  It’s from a rather ‘white trash’ book.  I have made this 100 times and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.  Just make the damn pie.. you don’t have to like it because I will eat it.  I will lick it off you if needed.  Seriously.

Be a decent person and make the crust.  If you buy a graham cracker crust for this then you are a lazy piece of shit and I will NEVER give you another recipe… EVER!   OK here:

• 1 1/2 Cups Graham Cracker crumbs
• 1 stick softened butter
• 1/3 Cup sugar
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp rum or vanilla

Filling:

• 12 oz tub of whipped cream cheese
• 3/4 Cup sugar
• 2 eggs, beaten
• 1 heaping Tbs flour
• 4 Tbs.. fuck it.. make it 5.. or 6.. rum (light or dark) or spiced whiskey
• (I’ve never tried it with 100 proof rum, but you could and tell me how it works for ya)

Topping:

• 1 Cup Sour cream
• 4 Tbs sugar
• 2-3 Tbs rum (light or dark) or spiced whiskey

Mix the crust ingredients well and press into a deep pie pan or spring form pan will work (press on bottom and up the sides).

Soften the cream cheese a bit and beat with sugar, eggs, flour and liquor until thick and smooth.  Pour into pie crust and bake 375 for 20-30 minutes on the bottom rack.

Meanwhile, mix the sour cream, sugar and Al Key Hall well…. after pie has baked, pour topping over top and bake for 5 more minutes and not a second longer!  HURRY! NOW!  TAKE IT OUT, GOD DAMN IT!  OK… Let cool to room temp before putting in the fridge to chill… covered.  Nobody wants to taste your disgusting refrigerator.

This pie is called such for a reason.  Depending on how much liquor you use in the topping.. you might want to send the kids away and lock up weapons and valuables just in case things get crazy.  Pie pictured below – Bitch to smack up sold separately.

Better-Than-Yours Meatloaf

This is the best meatloaf I’ve ever had, hands down, and I’ve had a lot of meat in my mouth.  It has ruined eating meatloaf at restaurants or at anyone’s house – sorry mom… both for the shit I say in this blog and for not eating meatloaf at your house.  Anyway, I make it and freeze individual servings for quick lunches or dinners.

• 2 eggs
• ¾ cup buttermilk
• 2/3 cup crushed saltine crackers
• ½ cup chopped onion
• 2 tsp salt or seasoned salt
• 1 tsp freshly ground black pepper or tellicherry pepper (available via amazon.com)
• 1/2 tsp rubbed sage
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 lb. pork sausage
• 1 lb. ground beef

• 1 cup ketchup (you can divide half ketchup and half of your favorite BBQ sauce if you prefer.  There is also a ‘Sweet & Hot Chili Sauce’ by Maggi that is incredible if you like spicy food!  If using Maggi’s sauce just skip the next 4 ingredients.)
• ½ cup heaping packed brown sugar
• 1 tbs molasses
• 1 tbs dijon mustard
• cayenne pepper to taste (optional)

In a large bowl, beat the eggs.  Add next 7 ingredients.  Crumble meat over mixture.    Using your hands mix it all up.  Form mixture into a loaf and place it in a 9×13 baking dish.

Preheat oven to 350

In a separate bowl, mix remaining 4 ingredients well.  Pour ¾ cup of the mixture over the loaf and bake for 1 hour and 5 minutes or until proper internal temp.  Pour remaining sauce over cooked loaf slices when serving.

Holiday Ham

Since Easter is right around the corner, and Jews are secretly cringing a little bit, this is a perfect recipe to make on Easter Sunday.  It also gives you a reason to skip those boring church services where they’d just feed you lies about my people.  We did not kill Christ!  Well.. we may have watched… Anyway, that’s all behind us now and to show how sorry we are, some of us are eating pork.

• 1 15 oz can pineapple rings
• 1 4 ounce jar maraschino cherries
• Extra pineapple juice
• 1 cup brown sugar
• ground cloves to taste
• 1 Tbs dijon mustard optional
• Whole cloves optional
• Toothpicks
• Bone in picnic ham.. not smoked.

Mix half the juice from the jar of cherries with the juice from the entire can of pineapples.. add mustard and cloves.. brown sugar.. more pineapple juice if needed.. cook on the stove, thicken with corn starch if needed

Bake the ham as it is, fat side up.. no seasoning or anything but you can stick whole cloves all over it if you want just keep in mind you have to take them back out before serving.

Do the following during the last 45 minutes of baking:  Quickly secure cherries to ham using toothpicks.. place pineapple rings around each cherry.  Pour glaze over garnished ham and finish baking for at least 30 minutes..

Bone in ham is about 17 minutes per pound…

You can serve extra glaze and pineapple rings on the side.. my mom has made this recipe for nearly 40 years and I can’t find it anywhere else that I’ve looked.  It’s truly wonderful though.

Fried Crullers

These are simple.  Fried and rolled in sugar… how can they be wrong??

• 1 Cup flour
• 8 oz Cream Cheese (can use low fat or fat-free if it makes you feel better)
• pinch of salt
• 1/3 cup butter
• tsp vanilla
•  powdered sugar
• sugar for dipping
• Jam/Jelly or sweet topping of choice

Cream butter and cheese together.  Add powdered sugar if desired, a few Tbs doesn’t hurt.  Add remaining ingredients and mix into a dough.  Chill for 1 hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar to prevent sticking.  Cut into very thin circles or strips.

Heat oil to 375 and fry 1-3 minutes until golden brown, turning once.  Carefully dip in sugar.  Once cool, add a dollop of jam or topping.  A cream cheese glaze is wonderful as well if you add it while hot.  These are phenomenal and can be made a day or two ahead of time.

Karo Pie

During WWII when sugar was in short supply and the economy was shit… like now… except sugar isn’t in short supply because Americans have stock piled it in their fat rolls… people looked to other types of sweeteners for wines, pies, etc.  I made these recently to send to my fat brother in NY.  What a bastard.  I send him baked goods to make up for buying my mom a clothes hanger and a knitting needle for her baby shower when she was pregnant with him.  I also put vegetable oil on the wooden stairs during her 9th month.    Me and my silly pranks.

• 1 box (pound) brown sugar
• 1 cup Karo Syrup
• 1 stick butter
• 4 eggs, beaten
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 2 unbaked pie shells

In a bowl, mix the sugar, syrup and butter.  Combine well.  Stirn in the eggs and vanilla and mix well.  Pour into shells and bak 325 for 40 minutes or until set at least 2 inches from the edges.

This is really rich and great warm with ice cream.  It’s similar to a pecan pie with no pecans… just the awesome filling, almost like a chess pie.

Chess Pie

This is the best chess pie I’ve ever had.  They are simple and I know everyone in the South has “their own chess pie recipe” but whatever… if it’s already amazing, don’t fuck with it.

• 3 cups sugar (don’t soil yourself, it’s for 2 pies)
• 1 cup butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 6 eggs
• 2 tsp vinegar
• Pinch of salt
• 2 unbaked pie crusts **

 

**For an easy, flaky, homemade pie crust, take 1 cup flour, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 cup oil and 2-3 Tbs water, mix and do NOT roll out.  Press directly into pie plate.  So easy a Mexican could do it.  I’m kidding!  They probably couldn’t do it.

 

Mix all ingredients together until nice and smooth.  Pour evenly into 2 pie shells and bake for 10 minutes in a 300 degree preheated oven.  Then crank ‘er up to 350 for 35 more minutes.

Yellow Chinese Cucumber Soup

In search of something creative to do with all these long, fat cucumbers from the garden… on a hot.. steamy.. lonely Southern night… something came to mind (fallacy notwithstanding).  Fried cucumbers dipped in fatty, creamy ranch or…..omg!  But then I thought of my chins, gut and I figured…  soup.    Refreshing soup.. with maybe a spicy bite every now and then, all garden fresh.  Here’s what I came up with based off other soup recipes I have and I’m serving it with garden fried green tomatoes and fresh baked bread that somebody else baked:

• 2 large Chinese yellow cucumbers, peeled, seeded and chopped
• 1/4 cup chopped onion
• 1 Serrano pepper
• 4 tablespoons butter
• 2 tablespoons tarragon vinegar
• 4 cups chicken stock
• 1 tablespoon flour
• 1/2 tsp dried dill weed
• Salt to taste
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• Chopped fresh parsley for garnish

Cook the chopped onions and pepper in the butter until onion is soft. Add the cucumbers and the vinegar, stir for just a minute and pour in the stock.  Add flour, mixing well and then dill weed and salt to taste.  Bring to a boil and then simmer until the cucumbers are soft, about 20 minutes.
Puree soup in a blender, in batches if necessary, leaving it as chunky as desired.  Whisk sour cream into soup puree.
Garnish with parsley and serve warm or chilled.

Bag-O Taco! (aka Taco in a Bag)

It has been a while since my last post. I have succumbed to diet and exercise. I know, I know… but I’ve lost 43 lbs. and I look hot. I’m still against the diet shit but as it turns out, fat people do not get laid as easily as skinny ones do. Oh sure, there are takers but they’re also fat and I’m totally not into fatties.

I cheat and/or indulge on weekends so I don’t kill myself.. and others.. especially others. Here is my favorite cheat-day snack-popular in the Midwest-made even more awesome by serving it in a bag with no plates to clean later.  This is for 4 people but use your fingers to count how many bags you need if you’re serving more.

• 4 single serving bags of Doritos, Fritos or favorite tortilla chips
• 1 lb ground beef
• 1 pkt taco seasoning
• 1 can nacho cheese sauce (or any cheese sauce will do)
• Sour cream (optional)
• Shredded lettuce (optional)
• Diced tomato (optional)
• Refried beans(optional)
• Guacamole (optional)
• Sliced black olives (optional)

Brown the ground beef and follow the directions on the taco seasoning packet. Heat the cheese sauce gently (don’t create molten lava here… it’s just warm cheese). Set out any additional toppings so people can get those themselves.

Give 1 bag of Doritos to each person, opened. Scoop right into the bag, 1/4 of the taco meat and cheese sauce to taste. Do this for each bag and then move ’em along to the toppings bar. Get some bottles of Corona and soda of choice… this is ideal for Cinco de Mayo at your local trailer park if you substitute the Corona for Old Style or Milwaukee’s Best.

Mandarin Orange Salad

Note the word “salad”…  and if that doesn’t seems strange to you then count your chinnie-chin-chins.  Trust me when I say this is absolutely incredible.

• 50 Ritz crackers, crushed
• 1 stick butter, melted
• 3/4-1 cup white sugar
• 1 (6 ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate
• 1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
• 2 (11 ounce) cans mandarin oranges, drained
• 1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed

Mix together the cracker crumbs, butter and sugar

Press enough to fill the bottom of a 9×13 inch dish, reserving enough to act as topping

Stir together the orange juice, condensed milk, oranges and whipped topping

Pour over cracker crumbs

Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture over top

Refrigerate for a couple hours before serving